Blissfully Unaware of the Chaos the Surrounds Me

Randomnly Delish . . .

I am headed down to UC Davis Medical Center this afternoon for two MRIs.  One brain.  One neck.  I have a theory that they are just trying to confirm that my brain is still there and functioning, albeit slightly.

I have been a bit of a wreck for the past several days.  I do well with answers and details.  I do not, as a habit, do well with the unknown. 

I am fairly (99.9%) assured that this is nothing big or scary.  It just hasn't presented like something big and scary.

But I am still a wreck. 

I took today off.  I should have worked for a few hours anyway, just to take the pressure off tomorrow and Thursday.  (I am back at UCD on Wednesday).  But I am not focused in the slightest.

It should be noted, that even though I am a wreck and completely focused on what these test results will yield?  I am still trying to find a way to hit up IKEA, Stride Rite and Sephora either today or on Wednesday.

At lease my priorities are still in order :)

Thanks in advance for the good thoughts and prayers.

Conflicted . . .

Let me start this post by saying several things . . .

(1) I am a perfectionist when it comes to photos and things of a visual nature.

(2) Halle is a tough-sell.  She doesn't crack a smile for many unknown folks.  And she's two.  Need I say more?

(3) 99% of you will say these are beautiful and how on earth could I ask for more?

(4) Our photographer did the best that she could do.  I am not complaining in the slightest about her attempt.  I think she did a fantastic job, given that Halle is two. She and I share the same type of visual nature, so we were constantly finding the same spots to shoot or telling the kids the same things, at the same time :)

(5) I may lack the energy to try again.  And if so?  Act surprised when you see these on our Christmas card and or comprising some portion of your Christmas gift from us this year :)

All that being said, I think we got really close.  I love the outfits that we went with.  I am typically all about the mellow/matchy-matchy outfits.  And if/when I take your family picture?  I would advise you to go (1) neutral, (2) solid and (3) long-sleeve.  I did follow my own long-sleeve rule :), but that was about it.  (Hey, I waited a long time for my girl and I think I can celebrate that with some hot pink!)  I love the setting.  Which is just across the street from our house.  I love the lighting.  I like some of the positioning. 

I do not, however, love Halle's facial expression(s).  She is very clearly tolerating us at best.  I prefer her smiles, thank you very much.  I knew, going into this, that I should have had my Dad or someone around who can get (and keep) her attention.

I would like the focus on my favorite photo (the largest in the collage, with Halle leaning on me) to be sharper.  Dylan is out-of-focus.  Fine for our Christmas cards.  Not great for a large canvas which I would like to order.

I do not like, nor can I tolerate the nasty belly-spillage I have in the upright/leaning against the tree photo.  That's my bad.  Note to self: wear Spanx for all photos.  Period.

So, I am going to try and re-create this photo shoot.  Limiting to my two favorite spots/set-ups from the shoot.  And using my Mom to click my camera shutter (after I boss everyone around and get it set up) and my Dad to make Halle smile.  I could also have the photographer come back and re-do it, but she's already put her time in, and at 8 months pregnant?  I feel guilty asking her to come hike around with us.

I know, it could be worse.  Waaaaaayyyyy worse.  And I may end up using these and being perfectly fine with it.  But I want a smile from my girl.  Little booger.  And I want that one shot, with her sitting on my back and the boys around us to be in focus, so I can get a big 'ole canvas.

I know that I am particular.  I disclosed that on (1).  And I really think that the photogrpher did a great job.  We just didn't do our part.

(By the way.  In an effort to promote full disclosure?  I bribed Dylan to be agreeable during the entirety of the photoshoot by telling him I'd pay for 1/2 of a new wii game that he wanted.  It worked.  Well worth it.  Not one time did he ask if we were done.  Thank God for small favors :))

Political Power . . .

There's my (not-so-little-guy), lined up with some political powers that be around town.  For all of the drama and stress that our ongoing issues with our governing school district cause me?  There are a few things that I am very grateful for;

1.  That we have an amazingly talented, dedicated and passionate parent population.  What an array of talents and gifts.  They stun me daily with their variety and abilities.

2. That Dylan can experience, first-hand, a grass-roots political campaign.  One that affects him deeply.  I love that he can participate in peaceful sit-ins and wear his "Yes on 1D" tee shirt.  I love that he can answer (quite eloquently) when questioned as to what we're "fighting" for.

3. That we live in a free country.  Where I can voice my concerns and desires as a parent "against" a government agency.  I think that we often take that ability for granted.  I am incredibly grateful for the right of free speech. 

What I am truly grateful for, at this moment?  That this week is OVER!  I have my last commitment to Habitat for Humanity in the morning and am more than ready to enter into this season of rest.  God is calling me to sit.  And read.  And study.  And enjoy.  And just be. And all I can say to that call is, "Amen!"

A Little Update . . .

First off . . . I feel better.  There was no ugly gagging and vomiting last night.  I still feel whatever it is that's in my throat/neck/imagination.

Secondly and more importantly, my insurance approved the MRI scans and they are scheduled for 5:00 pm on Monday evening.  So I'll make the drive down, lay in a very small tube, take a little nap and then know something . . .. sometime later.  Not that night for sure.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I busted out in a funky dance when UCD called and said it was approved.  It's a small, but very important step in this process.

So thanks for the continued good thoughts.  I feel them.  Cheesy, I know.  But I really do.

Distracted . . .

and oddly nervous.

If you know me (and listen to my constant complaints) or if you've read my blog for any length of time, you'll be very familiar with my ongoing ear/neck issues.  The short synopsis?  Five years of ongoing ear pain and pressure, somehow linked to a feeling of fullness or sometimes tenderness in the right side of my neck/throat.

I've been on allergy meds (with no known allergies).  I've had a temporary ear tube placed.  Yeah, the one that should have lasted six months and is still there THREE YEARS later?  I've been given pain meds.  I've been given decongestants.  I've been denied (via insurance) a new CT scan - the last one was over five years ago.  I've been kicked out of one practice.  I've been evaluated by the Department Chair of Otolaryngology at UC Davis.

I'm fairly certain, that somewhere on my medical chart is some notation that equals the diagnosis of "crazy" or "she's making this sh*t up" on my chart.  Because when examined?  Everything appears normal.  No one can palpate anything abnormal in my neck - although I can feel it.  No one can see anything abnormal in my ear.  It looks hunky-dory.  Except for my ongoing pain. 

When I went to UC Davis last month, the doctor there threw out two ideas . . . (1) that I have acid-reflux or (2) that all this pain and pressure is caused by scar tissue that may or may not be laying across my carotid artery from a benign tumor removal that I had removed from the same region in 1996.  I agreed to go on meds for acid reflux - although I whole-heartedly believe that is a bullsh*t diagnosis.  I was told that if it was scar tissue, there was nothing we could do and I would have to live with it.  And the doctor was supposed to see me in two months if my symptoms persisted.

Then, about two weeks ago, my symptoms got worse.  My neck felt swollen, all of the time, and I noticed that some of my pills were getting stuck in my throat, or that I had a hard time swallowing certain foods.  My head was/is killing me almost constantly.

I got scared.  I called two of the doctors last week to describe my worsening symptoms.  I didn't hear anything until Monday morning.  One doctor basically washed his hands of me, saying he had no answers for me.  The second doctor ordered two urgent MRIs.  One of my brain.  One of my neck.

Apparently, in an insurance/reimbursement driven world?  Urgent doesn't mean what you and I might assume it to.  My primary insurance has sent the order to "medical review" to determine if it is medically sufficient or not to warrant the tests. 

On top of all this, I started gagging and retching and subsequently throwing up the last two evenings.  It's like something is stuck in my throat or is pushing on it and if I swallow wrong or think about it too long?  It triggers my gag reflex and I go running for the nearest toilet to hug.

All that (TMI) being said, here I sit.  I am supposed to be at our statewide annual conference next week.  Today, I found someone to cover my spot there.  I have been so nervous and anxious about being committed to being there (and non-refundable deposits) and potentially having UCD call to schedule the scans and then being conflicted about where to be.

To be completely honest?  I have been so filled and overcome with anxiety that I cannot imagine driving away from my family to go.

Long story short?  I am 99% certain that this is nothing big.  I am scared, for sure.  I am scared of the unknown.  I am  scared that the scan will show something.  Something that could have been dealt with easier a year or two or five back.  

I am almost, oddly enough, scared it will show nothing.  At which point I am probably a prime candidate for a mental health stay at a finer white-jacket establishment.  But I swear on all that is holy, I have a significant amount of discomfort in my right neck and ear.  I have nothing to gain by faking it.  Or crying wolf over something mildly annoying.  So I really, truly am certain that there is something going on.

Now if we can just get the insurance and/or medical community to fight just a little bit for me.  Please?

If you're the praying kind?  Please pray that I will have peace while we wait.  Because I can be an over-the-top-worst-case-scenario girl when it comes to stuff like this.  And I am trying to remain surrounded by faith and hope and the assurance that 99.9% of this stuff turns out to be nothing.  But if I even question, for one minute, that this might something serious?  I can lose all perspective instantaneously.

Thanks for listening to my tired rambling.  John is at work and I am certain that he is tired of my incoherent mumbling about it all anyway.  So, Internet?  That leaves you.  Thanks for being here.  Day and night.

 

Party Page . . .

Just a quick one.  I'm still in "catch up" mode and trying to be diligent about it, versus distracted by my blog or all the other things I'd rather be doing!

 

Celebrate Good Times . . .

come on!  My Gram's 93rd birthday celebration was a roaring success.  And I should post some sweet photo or video clip, but its 12:20 and I just don't have it in me.

This is more like it:

 
Best outtake of the night. 

And it didn't get better from there either.  My 93 year old Grandma then tried to restrain Halle and force her to stay in the next picture.  Mind you, this is all happening at 10:00 pm.  A little late :).  Tonight will go down as the night Halle smacked GG in the face, in front of the entire family.  And then?  When I asked her to tell GG that she was sorry?  She shouted, "NO! ME NOT SORRY!"  Awesome parenting moment #347.

Dear iTunes . . .

I love you when you function well and are helpful.  However, with all of your software updates and your attempt to take over all things on my system - music or not - I am not loving you so much as of late.

Please allow me to find and use my own music.

Particularly so I can finish this slide show.

Today.  Before the party. 

Because if I have to hum or sing quietly through this the thing in order to be done?  I will.  And that will not be nearly as pretty as the songs I have chosen to serve as background music.  Though possibly more entertaining.

So again, all I'm asking for is my own music.  That I theoretically should have the ability to listen to and use.

Warm regards,

Your frazzled customer

Must . . .

push through!

School stuff is calming down for the weekend.  Thankfully.  We had a great turn-out for our first peaceful demonstration at the District office.  Look for our parents and kids on tonight's local news and tomorrow's local paper.  I've sold out of kid's sizes in tee shirts and actually Adult Mediums, too.  So I still have two boxes of Large and XL.  Am trying not to panic.  But we'll be OK.  I think.  I'm going to send out an order form later and hopefully get rid of a few more.  Given that last night I was in hock to Dragon Graphics for over $950?  The fact that I now have over $700 in cash from today's sales to give them?  Makes my checking account balance breathe a little easier.  Yikes.

Love Chico is in full-force.  My main focus is getting the waste/recycling/green containers placed all over town.  That doesn't seem like such a difficult task, but when you're talking about school sites where you have to coordinate Waste Management with locked gates and kids at recess and all of that fun stuff?  It gets a little sticky.  I'm waiting for the Chico High dumpster to deliver.  Knowing that it's Almond Bowl tonight.  And just knowing that the parking lot will be full within an hour.  Please deliver soon . . . please!  As soon as all my bins deliver, I can breathe a little easier.  Thank goodness I have a great co-chair . . .  I am actually embarrassed that I am getting any credit for this gig at all.  I really haven't had a lot to give to it this year.  And next year?  Um, no. 

As for my Gram's slide show/movie extravaganza?  Lets just say I have a long night ahead of me.  Once that is done, I can enjoy the fun and chaos that is my family.  So I need to get off typepad and back into ProShowGold. 

But first, the funniest moment of my day?  Maybe of my week life?  We ran by my Gram's this morning because she had apparently pulled a muscle in her back and was having a lot of pain.  So John checked her out.  Before we left, I used her bathroom, knowing that I'd be at school and running around for a while.  Anyway, I'm sitting there, peeing and I happen to glance in her magazine holder. Freakin' kid you not, there's a Playboy.  Front.  And.  Center.  With twins(!) on the cover.  I pulled it out, only because I thought it must be some old-person gag gift copy or something.  Um, no.  It was the real deal.  I went out and showed John, whose eyes about popped out of his head. 

I said, "Gram, care to explain this?" and she turns to me and says, "oh, your Uncle was complaining that all of my magazines were boring so I put some new ones in there for him."

Oh.  Holy.  Hell.

I almost fell over at the thought of my 93 year old Grandma going somewhere and buying a Playboy, when she clarified and said that no, my Aunt had brought them over.  (Apparently as a joke, unbeknowst to me.  And my Uncle.  Who had better not read this before he gets to see for himself how good the reading is over there these days.)

Seriously, people.  I almost died.

And yes, I'm still a little skeeved about it.  But amused, nonetheless.

BFFs . . .

I talked to my best friend of almost 20 years (yikes - we're old!) last night.  She's moving back to Chico next month and I cannot wait!  Really, truly excited for being able to spend time with her on a regular basis.  Hurry home, KJ!

Karissa (BFF), myself and our other dearest friend, Mindy, at my wedding.  I just realized that I haven't scanned any of our old photos, some of which are hysterical (90's hair and western clothing, thank you very much) and others that mean the world to me (KJ holding Dylan at the hospital just after he was born).  After I am done with the great GG scan of 09, I will need to move on to this kind of stuff.  In my spare time.

Anyway, love you KJ and cannot wait to have you home!