Blissfully Unaware of the Chaos the Surrounds Me

Lazy Sunday Afternoon . . .

Halle woke up in a mood.  One of those moods that makes me constantly check her forehead for a temperature and then, when it's cool? Realize that she's TWO, not sick.  Fortunately, Dylan was working in the church nursery this morning, so she was happy to play in there for the entirely of the service, thereby giving me a break! 

Now she's napping.  I should be getting so much done at the moment.  But I'd rather piddle away the afternoon by watching mindless TV or blog-hopping.

Remind me of the time I've wasted when I realize that John is on is way home from the Base tonight and I should pull it together.  Or tell me that we've been married long enough for me to let go the ridiculous idea that everything should be pulled together when he comes home after his frequent absences.

I'm trying to let go of that need to prove that I can do it.  I really, really am.  But I still struggle with it.  Far beyond the surface.  I question who I am if I can't be the one who holds it together.  And that is way too deep for me to get into when I just am looking to waste an afternoon.  So I'll go watch some mindless TV now.  And maybe clean up the kitchen.  Maybe.

Booked a Safari . . .

in Santa Rosa.  Yes, Santa Rosa, CALIFORNIA.  We're going to take a quick trip over to Safari West next week and just get away for a couple of days.  We had talked about it, but then schedules shifted a bit, so we were on the fence.  Then yesterday, I just felt 100% assured that we needed to get out of here for a couple of days.  Dylan has a few days off from school and we're just going to do it.

Instead of the four of us sharing a tiny little hotel room (like our SF trip this summer), I booked a condo at a Worldmark timeshare in Windsor, which is just about 15 minutes from Santa Rosa.  It's actually a three bedroom, so if you want to come along . . . there's more than enough room!  And if you've stayed there and it's a total dive?  Could you kindly let me know ASAP so I can still change it?

Between the Safari West adventure, the outdoor heated pool, the large quantities of wine that I'll be bringing and a jaunt over to the chilly coast?  We'll be busy enough.  I just need out of here, just for a couple of days to re-set.  I'm hoping for a biopsy before we go, but if not, I'll do it when we return.  And I'm pledging to just leave it all behind me while we're gone, too.

Now, I must get back to the huge mess that I've made/I'm making.  Just picture a 3'x3' square of primed plywood, a stack of paper, hundreds of bits of torn and cut scraps, paint and large jars of Modge Podge.  I have a vision.  Whether or not my vision will translate into some form of art?  Remains to be seen. 

Happy Saturday!

Drumroll, please . . .

They found something on my carotid ultrasound.  And I am thrilled!  It sounds crazy, I know, but (1) that means that I have a feasible reason for my symptoms, (2) it's small and completely encapsulated and (3), it seems awfully similar to the cyst that was removed from nearly the same region in 1996.

So, yeah me!  I have a weird lymph node/growth/cyst or something in my neck!  (I really, truly, am being serious.  I am relieved and oddly excited that they were able to find something that explains my symptoms for the last 5 years, which have significantly increased in the last month.)

It could well be a lymph node.  But they couldn't find any blood flow to it/through it.  Which was odd.  I'm hoping that the order for the biopsy comes quickly.  I'd love to know what is in that little booger.  And then, of course, I'd like to take all the results and TP them all over the doctor's offices that assured me that this was freakin acid reflux or scar tissue.  Asswipes.

So, long story short?  We're still on the journey.  But the journey doesn't end with me be admitted to a psych ward!  And that, in my opinion, is a good ending.  Or at least a good first half of a play.  I'm probably more at the intermission, but I'll take.  I'll head out to the lobby, get a glass of champagne and take it.

Here's to the doctor that finally ordered an appropriate test and to the ultrasound tech who paused her ultrasound wand in the exact location of my pain and I just KNEW that she could see what I can feel.  I cannot begin to explain what relief that brings.  Sigh.

Today . . .

in bullets!

• Get up at the butt-crack of dawn to pull it together.  Dinner in the crock-pot, lunches packed, dressed (appearing professional, of course) and car loaded.
• Drive an hour and 15 minutes.
• Enter my dark and lonely office to make copies of a document that our attorney thought we might want to have - which I was notified of at 4:45 this afternoon.
• Attend/participate in a public hearing that may well last three hours.  Ugh.
• Try and find someone who can watch my kids for an hour later today.
• Back to the office to sign checks, read mail, give instructions, lick my wounds from afore-mentioned public hearing.
• Drive back home.  1.25 hours.  Question every comment that was made during earlier public hearing.
• Go to Enloe for a carotid ultrasound.  Which isn't very exciting.  Not at all like when you're preggo and get to go see your baby.  And although I feel like there is a baby growing in the right side of my neck?  I'm pretty sure we aren't going to see anything cute in there :)
• Come home.  Clean up the house.
• RLG (Real LIfe Group) arriving for Taco night (hope John plugged in the Crock-pots!) and sermon discussion.  Whoops, add "listen to online sermon" somewhere on the list!
• Kiddos to bed.
• Wine.
• Whine.
• Bed.

At least that is my predication at this point.  We'll see how well I can see into the future :)

Praying for calm amongst the storm.  Peace among the push and pull.  Safety for the drive to and fro.

No doubt exists . . .

that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.  (W.C. Fields)

But do we make ourselves crazy or is that just how we are made?  Seriously!  I want to know.  I am trying so diligently to limit my crazy-making tendencies, but I swear that I'm more lost with less on my calendar. 

A big part of my current crazy feeling has everything to do with my ongoing medical mystery.  Although I haven't seen it, I have been told that my MRI was indeed negative.  As was my barium (yuck!) swallow study on Monday.  The head of ENT at UC Davis is now the second doctor to wash his hands of me and my odd symptoms.  He is "comfortable" saying that my symptoms are all due to scar tissue from my old surgery in 1996.  He has no explanation as to why my symptoms have worsened dramatically over the last month.  Nor, apparently, does he care to know why.  Door closed.

So although I would love to take his diagnosis and find the peace to sleep well again?  I can't.  It's not because I'm stubborn or fiercely determined to be sick.  It's simply because I know my body and I know that something is going on. 

I feel pressure and sometimes pain in the right side of my neck 24/7 now.  And that is not normal.

Fortunately, I still have some good folks on my side, willing to fight for an answer.  So now I am waiting on a carotid ultrasound, which should be done within the week.  And a referral to an ENT Oncologist - which isn't as scary as it sounds.  And a trial run of taking Singulair, which oddly enough, blocks some mass cell (?) production and may help if this is allergen related.  It's a long-shot, but I can and will do just about anything at this point.

Other craziness?  Work.  But that should come as no surprise!  And just balancing it all.  As much as I would hate working in an office, 40 hours per week, there is that part of me that is still struggling with boundaries.  I crave being able to say, from x until y, I am a Mom.  And from y until z, I am an employee.  Or wife.  Or photographer.  Or whatever.  I know that wouldn't really change if I went to an office every day.  I am just feeling overwhelmed and under-prepared for each day.  And I don't like playing catch-up all the time.

Realistically?  I'm always going to be juggling.  And trying to balance.  And always playing catch-up in one form or another.

The great news in all of that?  I am so blessed to have so much to juggle.

Now, back to the grind.  To the juggling.  The the 20-ring circus that is my blessed life.

Halloween Re-cap . . .

We started the day with breakfast at Italian Cottage.  Yum.  We hadn't seen my Dad since he got back from Sweden, so it was a great time of catching up with him.  He brought goodies, including a really cool marble (as in the small metal ball kind) roller coaster for Dylan.  I'll have to get some photos, or better yet, some video.  It's pretty cool.  He also brought some really cute clothes for Halle - super-cure dresses and tights from a neat store in Stockholm.  I may have to have my sister do a little more shopping from me.  It all seems to run long-and-lean, just like Halle!  We also got a tub of Swedish Saturday candy.  From which I primptly picked out my favorites, gorged on them and then hid it from myself in the pantry :)

Then we were home doing various projects and whatnot.  John is up to his eyeballs in electrical and all sorts of fun stuff, just in an effort to move the hot tub maybe 15 feet.  I edited a ton of photos and caught up on some laundry.  The kids pitched in - Dylan mowed the lawn and Halle helped me sweep the floor.  That sweeping sure did help me out . . . not :)  But it was sweet and well-intentioned, and that's what matters!

Dylan had one of his last fall basketball games.  It was a little scrappy.  There was a moment where I was pretty sure my 5'1" Mom was going to end up on the court, possibly assaulting "Jeffrey" who was pushing Dylan all over the place.  Every time Dyl pushed back, he'd get called out by the referee.  Versus Jeffrey, who pretty much pushed Dyl up and down the court without a single whistle.  John held us back.  I was actually playing Play-dough with Halle on the sidelines and truthfully considered lobbing a big 'ole wad of fluorescent orange right at the kid.  If only I trusted my aim, just a little more . . .

As we were headed back, our neighbor called and told us to hurry up.  We co-hosted our street's 1st Annual Pumpkin Carving Contest.  That basically meant that I made invitations that the kids handed out and we stood around in the street and drank wine.  We (meaning Katherine) did get prizes, so four winners went home happy.  The rest of us were just happy with out wine :)  We hadn't gotten around to actually carving anything, but Dylan wanted to at the last minute.  So he hacked out a great Jack-o-Lantern as it was getting dark.

Dylan rocked the old lady costume yet again.  Sis was as super-cute Tinkerbell.  We're all still a little sugared-out, but starting to come down.  All in all, a great holiday.

 

Now That's Funny . . .

vasectomy talk.

I know, I know.  There is nothing funny about the sacredness of a man's fertility, but if there was, ha, ha . . . Dooce nailed it.

Maybe I shouldn't have said "nailed it" in regard to the vasectomy talk.  Whoops.  My bad.

Happy Birthday to my Mom . . .

I believe that we are unofficially celebrating her 49th birthday today - an idea that came from my nephew and my mom grabbed onto it like a life preserver! 

She's a wee bit older than 49, but in better shape than most 40 year olds.  Since it's her birthday, I'll decline to bitch about that :)  Damn size 2!  Anyway . . .

Hope your day is filled with love and laughter . . . good food . . . family . . . and so much joy.  Love ya lots, Mama of mine.

Little Old Lady . . .

and a damn fine looking one at that!

The boy seriously rocked the old lady look.  He also had a great time doing it too!  Fun costume.  I like my little guy as an old lady.  Even if that does sound weird when I say it out loud :)

Not a Lot of Answers . . .

So we start the journey of asking more questions.  Knocking on doors and advocating for my health. 

I called UCD yesterday morning for assurance that my MRIs had been read and a report issues by the radiologist.  Of course, was their response that I got.  The reality?  The ENT doc had not seen them before we sat down and they were not radiologist read as of that time.  He (the ENT) spent about 2 minutes scrolling through them and "didn't see anything major jumping out at him".

I was actually looking for a little more assurance than that, people!

So now, we do a swallow study and possibly a carotid ultrasound.  And then I get the MRI from UCD and call in some favors (my Mom was the Director of Radiology for ten years).  And John floats to radiology on a regular basis.  So I'm hoping that by some time next week, a radiologist that KNOWS me, versus just some medical record number, will review my films.

That being said, some of my anxiety has diminished.  I mean, first off, I do have a brain.  That was obvious :)  Secondly, we didn't see some majorly obvious tumor wrapping its way up my neck, on its way to eating my brain.  So those are both good things.  I'm sure that there are more good things to come, too.

We also managed to hit up Stride Rite (exchanged shoes for little Miss Skinny Toes), Bare Minerals (I had no makeup on AT ALL for the last two days, except for whatever remnants may have been in my brush.  Not pretty.),  Pottery Barn Kids (pillow, pillowcase and storage bin for Sis) and IKEA (all sorts of useful and inexpensive things for all of us).

Maybe best of all?  I got to spend a day with my husband, which is something that we need to do far more often.  And although the day was filled with tears (I had clearly hit my emotional wall at some point in the last 48 hours and pretty much cried, non-stop, for two days), it ended with contentment and peace and being home.  With him.  And with my littles.  And that's pretty much how I want every day to end.